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Review of Virtual Vegas 7007 Slots by SelectSoft
Review of Virtual Vegas 7007 Slots by SelectSoft

I like to gamble because I'm an irresponsible loser. Studies have shown that compulsive gamblers head to casinos to make up for a lack of positive experiences in their lives. I don't remember who or where these studies came from, but if I had a dollar, I'd bet you could find it on Google somewhere.
Sometimes, when a gambler is out of money and looking to "make up for a lack of positive experiences in his or her life", he or she will turn to PC-based casino simulations for their fix. That's right, computer games. I had the opportunity to sit down with one such "simulation" recently. It was called Virtual Vegas 7007 Slots (by SelectSoft) and it did not help to make up for a lack of positive experiences in my life. Oh, and also it was stupid.

First off, this package claims to have 7,007 games. It doesn't. It has a handful of games, a handful of bonus games, denominations ranging from 1 cent to fifty dollars, and the option to play a 3-reel or 5-reel machine, as well as the ability to choose "real-life odds" or "fantasy odds". I suppose if you multiply out all of these lame options, you might get something close to 7,007 "different games". The problem is, you still wouldn't want to play a single one of them.

None of the games feel like real slot machines. You'll lose 25 spins in a row, then win three credits, then lose 100 more spins in a row, then get 3 bonuses in a row and win 5,000 credits. The whole Virtual Vegas Slots experience is like grading a 6th grader's first computer science project. And when I say "a 6th grader" I actually mean "a retarded 6th grader. Who is also a cat. And it's actually just a bronze statue of a retarded 6th grade cat, not even a real one." It's that bad.

Virtual Vegas 7007 Slots also features some of the worst graphics and sound ever. Even for cheesy casino simulation software, this is the bottom of the barrel. The graphics used for symbols on the reels look like SelectSoft ripped a CD of early 90's clip art into their game, said "this is awesome", and named the resulting games after the bizarre fish and soda pop (WTF?) pictures they had found.

And the bonus games are mind-blowingly sucky. Where real casino bonuses are based on luck, some of the bonuses in Virtual Vegas require actual skill to win credits. You have to play little mini video games ("Brick Break", for example) to win anything during your bonus round. The bonuses also reek of inconsistency. I played a PERFECT round of Brick Break and only won 175 credits... but had I been playing a game with the "Spin the Wheel" bonus, I could have won 1,000. Unlike real slot machines, the bonus amounts also seem completely independent of how much you bet per spin.

If this is "Virtual Vegas" then I'm going to start calling my wiener "virtually 20 inches long" because it's just as ridiculous and misleading. (Except that my wiener actually comes closer to being 20 inches long than this suite of slot simulations comes to being anything like a true Las Vegas experience.) I cannot imagine what sort of casino these games would exist in...

"Anybody want to join me over at $25 Soda Pop Supreme?"

"No thanks, I prefer to stick to 5-Reel Fruity Fruits."

"Fruity Fruits?"

"Yeah, over by all the other 10-cent machines."

"Oh, you mean on that wall next to 10-dollar, five-reel Cowboy Cash?"

"Exactly."

"Do you play it with the Spin the Wheel Bonus?"

"No way, man! I only play Towers of Cash Bonus Time machines."

If this casino exists, it should be burned down immediately.

For a real Las Vegas slot experience, you should go buy a slot machine computer game made by Bally Gaming or some other legitimate gaming company... or just go to Vegas. But there are even plenty of free slot machine games online that completely destroy Virtual Vegas' stupid face. Yeah, when you download a game from the internet, you're taking a chance that it might come with a virus... but what the hell, Virtual Vegas 7007 Slots practically is a virus. I mean it's just as fun as a virus. And most viruses are more accurate simulations of Las Vegas fun than SelectSoft's games are. Plus, if you get a virus that completely destroys your computer, you can at least take comfort in knowing that the machine is safe from ever having to get Virtual Vegas 7007 Slots loaded onto it.